A Sad Update on My Substack Absence

There's no rulebook in grief...

I debated one sharing this here and writing a post but felt like it was already out there on instagram and wanted to share it here to explain my absence here on Substack. I know I don’t owe this to anyone but I want to share because you guys have been so wonderful to me over the few years I’ve been on Substack and I appreciate you.

There’s no easy way to talk about losing a baby. On April 24th, we lost our baby girl. I was already in my second trimester. We may never know why but it’s part of our story now. Through it all we’ve found hope and we’ve found peace but that doesn’t mean there’s no wound in our hearts. We’ve found a few little shining lights in this dark time but that doesn’t mean we won’t stop grieving for this baby whom we’ve prayed for.

For those of you who have been through such a horrible thing, I grieve with you. I want to hug you and cry with you. So many women deal with it in silence because of shame, embarrassment and a long list of other reasons that are so far from the truth. I personally don’t feel embarrassed… I feel broken. I feel like I have a wound that will never ever heal.

Our son has been the biggest blessing in healing. He doesn’t understand a ton (because there’s a lot to our pregnancy story and it all happened in a very short time) but his way of keeping us on our toes, laughing through our tears and being a reminder of what we look forward to someday with a new baby has been the very best “medicine.” Spending the last few weeks immersed and focused on our toddler’s birthday and birthday party was a helpful distraction, too. (He even gave me one of his green aliens to take with me to my dr appointment to comfort me - see pic below. he’s the sweeeetest little boy)

In Genesis 9, a rainbow symbolizes God's promise to never flood the earth again. It represents hope and renewal after a period of sorrow. A rainbow baby symbolizes a new beginning and God's faithfulness.

Now we pray for our rainbow baby.

I share this because it helps to talk about it. Full stop. I share this because I suffered in silence with postpartum depression and I’d never felt lower in my life.

Scroll to the bottom to see our baby’s footprints that will forever be one of our most cherished possessions.

Oh baby Millie, we never got to hold you on earth but we will one day in heaven. You are forever part of our family & our story & will never be forgotten… and until I’m with you I’ll carry on.

Also… side note. It feels weird to post this at the moment, or post anything right now. It feels weird to show my face on instagram stories which I do all the time and have done for many years… it just feels weird which is why I haven’t really done it lately. Some of you have even noticed my absence. It feels weird to create content and recipes and write articles and do voiceovers… I might post soon and I might not. I also miss being creative in the kitchen too - it’s an outlet for me. I miss researching and writing here on Substack. I NEED to be creative and I want to be but have struggled with the motivation lately. I will be posting my normal foodie stuff again soon on instagram and write here soon, too… maybe this week or next? Just know this is something we’ve been going through for awhile now and while it might be new info to you it’s not to us. We’ve been grieving for awhile. I’ve seen people confused (and even a little mean) at why people are so quick to “get back to their daily lives (or content)” after tragedy not realizing that it’s 1) something that we will always grieve and deal with 2) we all handle this stuff differently and 3) it’s not new to us.

Thank you for your kindness.

-Krysten